What do my dreams say about me?

I had an especially vivid dream last night. I woke up a bit disturbed this morning because I was concerned about what my unconcious might be trying to tell me. I never put much stock into dreams, but when I have dreams this vivid, it tends to make me at least temporarily reevaluate my stance on their meanings.

The dream has faded since this morning, and I'm not sure how some of the sections intersect; however, there are specific parts that are still right with me. I was at a hotel for some kind of gathering. I'm not sure what it was a gathering of, but there were many people there (a majority of whom I knew from various places including high school, college, and work). It was all fine until there was some kind of fire drill type thing in which I freaked out and somehow managed to get shot by the people policing the drill (because I was freaking out). I was shot by some kind of gun that shot poison type darts in a star pattern, and was hit on the arm. Immediately, blisters formed at all of the entrance wounds. I chose to ignore them.

Then, afterwards, when everyone had regrouped in some kind of conference hall area in the hotel, I had a horribly vivid, tramatizing experience (which I'd rather not divulge in this blog) that caused the blisters on my arm to start to eat my skin and it was bleeding like crazy and falling off my arm.

I was rushed to the infirmary area where the forensic scientist, Abby (from NCIS), treated my wounds. Everytime I looked at my arm, I puked because it was so disgusting. Abby ended up having to cut much of my arm off, and I ended up in a heap of tears bawling on the floor.

I think this dream was telling me that I'm too stressed out to live, and that I should probably get more sleep. I am choosing not to listen to it, but I can't seem to let go of the images. The images are more than a little painful.

I'm feeling a bit sick. I'm going to try to sleep now. Hopefully, I will only have nice dreams tonight. I can't deal with these crazy ones anymore.

In the spirit of the holidays...

I love love love this Santa Claus family tree. I found it on Cryptomundo via Boingboing and it cracks me up... I just about said "craps me up." That would have cracked me up too, but I'm glad I caught the mistake.

http://www.cryptomundo.com/cryptozoo-news/santas-family-tree/

Edit: Dashblog doesn't work exactly as I had wished.

why must we pay...

I really don't understand why we have to pay sixty dollars to hold our classes. Never have. Either you show up or you don't. I mean don't get me wrong. I do understand. I'm just annoyed that I have to stand in this freaking line because I don't even know if I actually have to pay the sixty dollar fee or not. Being a graduate assistant makes things confusing. It's good but I don't always know what I'm supposed to be doing at all times. I'm gettng close.

Rain, rain, go away...

[2008 December 14 02:15 PM]
I really hate it when the weather interferes with my plans. I was
going to have a fun ridecthrough the woods today, but now I don't see
that happening. It just keeps raining harder and harder it's really
annoying actually. If I'd come out here when I had wanted this morning
I wouldn't be having this problem. I keep watching the clouds thinking
that they will move through but they just seem to get bigger and more
rainy. I guess I'll wait a few more minutes and then head home. What
else can I do? It's too cold to ride in the rain. If it were summer
I'd be all for it. It's not summer and cold is fine, but cold And wet
is not fine. Not with me anyway. What's even more stupid is that I can
see blue sky peeking through the clouds above me. It's up there
taunting me. Saying, "Hee Hee, look at me!" Stupid rain. Stupid stupid
rain.

Sent from my iPod, Astronaut.

Projects...

I always have these little projects going. They keep me sane or
something. Actually, I'm not feeling very sane right now, but I do
have a good number of projects in the works. Maybe the projects are a
measure of my sanity...

Anyway, one of my projects has to do with this photo. Cross your
fingers that I have time to do it and that it works out as brilliantly
as I hope it does. Also, cross your fingers that the photo posts. I'm
betting it doesn't. If there's no picture with this entry... I'll fix
it tomorrow.

Update!

[2008 December 13 12:14 PM]
I should really start updating my blog more often, and I hate that I'm
one of those people who talk about how they haven't posted anything on
their blog on their blog. Yep, that's me. Lame again.

However, I will give you a more proper update as well. First of all, I
decided (against my better judgement) to create a twitter account (I
really don't understand twitted, so we'll see how long it lasts) that
you can follow right here on my blog. It's right over there on the
sidebar that happens to be filled with many other wonderful things.

Second, I will updated for reals sometime in the near future. It will
be good. I promise.

Now, I must go in search of food. I'm famished.

Sent from my iPod, Astronaut.

Hey! Look what I found!

It's this cool website that searches mp3s online. It finds all kinds of obscure stuff. It seems really good so far.

SkreemR

One down, 2 to go...

I officially finished my paper for HST 524. It is a riveting look at the effect (little to none, in fact the perception of war seems to have had more effect on photography than vice versa) photography had on the perception of war during the American Civil War. It was long and boring to write and I'm glad I'm almost finished with this class. I'm kind of sick of learning about the Civil War.

Now I must go to bed. I'm going to be dead tired tomorrow.

Just so we're clear...

I am sick of the Civil War.

I am tired of writing about the Civil War.

I think Black Friday is ridiculous.

I find something inherently wrong in the idea that we must spend all of our money in order to stay out of the next Great Depression.

I hope to God that my stupid advisor writes my letters of recommendation.

If my advisor does not write my letters, I'm screwed.

I will be poor soon.

I am really freaking out because I am not prepared to be poor soon.

I hate my face.

I am in love with small town functions.

I miss things that I have no business missing.

I don't want things I have as much as I think I should.

I really dislike HDTVs.

Super Excited!!!

I GOT GMAIL THEMES!!!! I love google. Google is my favorite thing in the whole world. I'm like a freaking walking advertisement for google.

Another fun video I showed in class...

Cute!!!

Good and Bad

I've officially applied to 4 graduate schools. Only 5 more to go!

Due to the economic recession, starting January 1st, I no longer have a job riding horses.

Fuck. What the hell am I going to do? Be super poor, that's what.

I wrote this a week ago and just found it

This really sucks. I can't seem to sleep anymore when i'm by myself at
night. I can be as tired as can be and yet as soon as I get into bed
I'm wide awake. I hate it. I pretty much just want to be able to sleep
again. I tried just waiting it out the other night but it didn't work
and I ended up lying here awake until who knows when. It makes for a
really shitty day when you haven't slept well the night before, and
I'm already freaking out enough about life in general to have to be
dealing with no sleep. To make it just a little bit worse tonight I
can't get that fucking Turtles song out of my head. You know the one
I'm sure. The fucking catchy one that they always use in commercials.
Just in case you didn't notice the precedeing sentence was merely a
fragment. I worried today that I might have Asperger's Syndrome, so I
had to look up the symptoms online to make sure I didn't. Fortunately,
in my medical opinion, I don't have it; however, I might be a
borderline hypochondriac. That is the least of my worries. Test
tomorrow. I hope one of the questions is about the Emancipation
Proclamation, because I can write a kick ass essay on that topic. I
also hope one of the questions is not about the military actions
between 1861 & 1863 because I avoided that section like the plague. I
pretty much hate military history. What really sucks about history,
however, is that all the scholars I want to work with are either dead
or retired or going to retire before I would graduate. That really
sucks. For a little while today I considered quitting altogether. I
kinda hit a low point for some reason. Probably because it is
stressful as hell writing to people you don't know and pretty much
begging them to like you. Why can't they just like me already? I'm a
nice, bright, intelligent kid. They should just like me already. Too
bad I have the crappiest advisor in the world. I don't even know if
he's going to finish that paleography class with me. He'd better or I
will be fucked but I feel like he's given up on me because apparently
some people in the department are better than me and everyone likes
them more. I hate feeling inadequate and I'm sure they don't think
that but it sure as hell feels that way sometimes. But I guess that's
enough pity party for one night. I should probably try to sleep now,
but I'm sure I'll just end up watching reruns of Without A Trace into
the wee hours. That is pretty much par for the course these days. I
apologize for any spelling errors Astronaut is kind of a bitch to blog
on. I also apologize for any profanities, they like to play when I'm
stressed which happens to be most of the time these days.

Sent from my iPod, Astronaut.

FYI

Applying to Graduate School is the most frustrating, time-consuming, money eating, stupid thing in the whole world. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

I am a total geek...

... and I'm excited that USB 3.0 is being unveiled next week.

i just realized

next semester, i only technically have to take one class, but to keep my graduate assistantship, i have to have two. crazy.

Grrr....

Astronaut just ate the blog post I wrote. Pissed me off. Well... I
guess technically it wasn't her fault, nor was it mine. It was the
stupid bug in the stupid update I installed today. But either way
it's really annoying and frustrating. I wonder what my wpm typing on
Astronaut is. I would kind of like to know. It seems like it would be
fairly fast. Maybe half what I type on a regular keyboard. Maybe.
Anyway... Must sleep now. Just wanted to complain to someone.

Love.

Sent from my iPod, Astronaut.

...so happy together...

This really sucks. I can't seem to sleep anymore when i'm by myself at
night. I can be as tired as can be and yet as soon as I get into bed
I'm wide awake. I hate it. I pretty much just want to be able to sleep
again. I tried just waiting it out the other night but it didn't work
and I ended up lying here awake until who knows when. It makes for a
really shitty day when you haven't slept well the night before, and
I'm already freaking out enough about life in general to have to be
dealing with no sleep. To make it just a little bit worse tonight I
can't get that fucking Turtles song out of my head. You know the one
I'm sure. The fucking catchy one that they always use in commercials.
Just in case you didn't notice the precedeing sentence was merely a
fragment. I worried today that I might have Asperger's Syndrome, so I
had to look up the symptoms online to make sure I didn't. Fortunately,
in my medical opinion, I don't have it; however, I might be a
borderline hypochondriac. That is the least of my worries. Test
tomorrow. I hope one of the questions is about the Emancipation
Proclamation, because I can write a kick ass essay on that topic. I
also hope one of the questions is not about the military actions
between 1861 & 1863 because I avoided that section like the plague. I
pretty much hate military history. What really sucks about history,
however, is that all the scholars I want to work with are either dead
or retired or going to retire before I would graduate. That really
sucks. For a little while today I considered quitting altogether. I
kinda hit a low point for some reason. Probably because it is
stressful as hell writing to people you don't know and pretty much
begging them to like you. Why can't they just like me already? I'm a
nice, bright, intelligent kid. They should just like me already. Too
bad I have the crappiest advisor in the world. I don't even know if
he's going to finish that paleography class with me. He'd better or I
will be fucked but I feel like he's given up on me because apparently
some people in the department are better than me and everyone likes
them more. I hate feeling inadequate and I'm sure they don't think
that but it sure as hell feels that way sometimes. But I guess that's
enough pity party for one night. I should probably try to sleep now,
but I'm sure I'll just end up watching reruns of Without A Trace into
the wee hours. That is pretty much par for the course these days. I
apologize for any spelling errors Astronaut is kind of a bitch to blog
on. I also apologize for any profanities, they like to play when I'm
stressed which happens to be most of the time these days.

Sent from my iPod, Astronaut.

HA

The school I very muchly want to go to for my doctorate is ranked number freaking 2 of all history departments. How likely am I to get into it?

OMFreakingG

I'm FREAKING out over here. OMG. All the stupid schools I want to apply to have a fucking application deadline of freaking DECEMBER 1ST. OMG OMG OMG. It's already Freaking NOV 3RD!!!! Holy CRAP... I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this.

Grumblings...

I hate it when I want to write... I even know what I want to say... but before I can even begin I have to read articles, so I can write. Even though I've already read the stupid articles, I still have to read them because if I don't I won't make any sense. I wish I just knew everything so that I would never have to read before I write and I could just write and write and write and I'd be a prolific author and an esteemed historian... Instead... I have to read. So annoying.

Also, I found this cool website today... well, by found, I mean... I read it in my daily trip through the blog-o-sphere, so I'm not really sure if that means I found it, or if fate magically happened to show me. Anyway... here's the link. Look at it. You know you are dying to see it.

FOR YOU...

Behold!

The first edition of "Things that are mistakenly emailed to me."

Fwd: Online Cleaning Estimate Request


Dwayne,

Thank you for using our free On-Line Cleaning Estimate Form.

Based on the information you have provided to us, your 1st cleaning plus oven would be $145.00. If you decided to continue the service on a bi-weekly basis it would be $95.00.

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Don't forget to check out our website at www.topnotchmaids.com for valuable coupons that can be used towards your cleaning.

Thank you for contacting Top Notch Maids. We look forward to doing business with you.

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Karrissa Lee

Phone: 770-592-1054

Fax: 678-281-0547

TopnotchLogo


From: support@topnotchmaids.com [mailto:support@topnotchmaids.com]
Sent: Monday, September 15, 2008 11:21 PM
To: support@topnotchmaids.com
Subject: Online Cleaning Estimate Request


subject: Online Cleaning Estimate Request

RegularService: RegularService

Weeks: 2Weeks

OtherService:

InsideOven: InsideOven

Windows:

Blinds:

Bedrooms: 2Bedrooms

Bathrooms: 3Bathrooms

HalfBaths: 1HalfBath

PreferredDay: Monday

SpecialRequests:

Special Products: SpecialProductsNo

PartOfTown: ,

SquareFootage: 2200

Townhome: Townhome

Stories: 3Story

Condition: Excellent

LastCleaned: Every Sat

BonusRoom: BonusRoom

HardwoodFloors: HardwoodYes

LivingRoomHW: LivingRoomHW

DiningRoomHW: DiningRoomHW

OtherHW: OtherHW

HardwoodDryDusted: DryDusted

Other Special Finishes:

Adults: 2Adults

Children:

Pets: Cats

number of pets: 2

Referral: Browsing

company_name: (withheld to protect the poor jokers identity)

TelephoneNumber: (withheld)

FaxNumber:

EMail: (withheld)@gmail.com

street:

city:

state2:

zip:

Phone: Yes

Contact time: 3pm

Submit.x: 111

Submit.y: 9

Submit: Submit

No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com
Version: 8.0.169 / Virus Database: 270.6.21/1673 - Release Date: 9/15/2008 6:49 PM

If you never see me again...

... it's because the GRE fucking killed me.

I wrote today...

... Four pages. Now I'm sleepy, and I have to get up early, so... I'm gonna call it a night. If I can just keep up the momentum I got tonight... I may just be able to pull this thing off. I hope so. I really hope so.

I need to look at graduate school. I'm starting to freak out about that.

God, I have to start working during the day... Next week, I will... Because otherwise I have no time to work. I'm just glad I got my night class homework for next week finished already.

I'm going to be good now. No more TV all day. No TV anyday until I write at least 2pages. That should be good. I will make this work.

I'm sleepy.

Sometimes when I'm writing...

... I feel like I'm completely full of shit and rewriting history how I see it. Who am I to say what happened almost 500 years ago? I really wish I had a time machine. That would be so cool.

I am still not getting what I want...

... sometimes I wonder if I ever will.

Evidence

So... I thought the porn was so hilarious that I copied it at work and put it up as a display on our fridge. The housemates love it. I do too. hehehe...

I read a book this evening and learned many things.

One of which is that 18th century pornography is hilarious. Evidence of this fact coming soon.

i want...

these gloves! size medium please!

http://shop.freehands.com/collections/fw2008/products/stretch

best news i've had all day!

actually... I've had a pretty damn good day today, but this is awesome and I have no one to share it with at the moment.

Just so you know the context. I ordered an Amanda Fucking Palmer and Ben Folds signed cd and only got the Amanda Fucking Palmer signature... so... this is what I heard back from the Amanda Fucking Palmer folks:

*clears throat and steps onto the box of rock*

we are very sorry you had to make your voices heard in the first place regarding this
between stuff not being sent when it was supposed to and now this...
it's just been a mess...
but you did
and we're glad
so thank you
and again, sorry

all of you being open with us about your hopes, frustrations, and problems is what helps keep this 'lil ship of punk cabaret love afloat

that said, there was a shipping error at the warehouse
the box of ben folds/amp signed cd's got put somewhere on a shelf near the ark of the covenant or some such thing
and, well, some poor shipping dude (prolly being paid a few bucks an hour) thought he was doing the right thing getting you all A signed cd -- he just didn't know there were different types

we have now uncovered the lost art box o' folds' signed discs
and we're going to make sure you get your 2x copy as originally planned
and for your trouble, the one you got -- signed just by amanda -- is yours

give it to your friend, give it to your mom, give it to your dog -- share the love, share the music, enjoy the record, and thank you all for being so patient and awesome as always Afro

Two cds!!! Yay!!!

omg...

check out this link...

"Talking Islam Doll"

this one too:

Watch the crazy hillbillies hate on Islam.

people are ridiculous.

Presidential debate

John McCain looks like a turtle.

Sent from my iPod, Astronaut.

Alice is dying

She seems to be dying more quickly than she once was. Now to get her to boot at all I have to go to the boot menu when she starts up and manually choose that I want her to boot from the hard drive. I have no idea what that means. But I think it's not a good thing.

I feel like a bad mother

I just spent the evening cutting out parts of my very first article, so I can present it in my allotted 15 minutes at the writers showcase. I've cut it from 23 pages to 11. I still need to get it down one more page, I think, the problem is that if I cut much more out, it won't make sense. Not to mention, I feel like I'm cutting the extremities off of my baby.

The Battle of Pea Ridge

This is what a Civil War battlefield looks like:



Today, I went on a class field trip to Pea Ridge. The trip was relatively uneventful, and my mini-speech for class went well. However, everyone in the class did a mini-speech, and many of the people decided to do a not-so-mini-speech, and that, unfortunately, is boring. Very very boring. At some points I wanted to poke my eyes out. I wish my professor would have just spoken the whole time. He's boring, but at least he's a decent speaker and he knows what he's talking about.

The trip down there was interesting though. I drove, and I had my friend do the navigating. But there was a mix up of some sort on Google's end, and we ended up going down this little country road (Wimpy Jones Road, for those of you keeping score) which was totally unneccessary and got us no where. Seriously. After driving down it for what seemed like forever, we ended up back on the highway we started from. It was really, really strange.

That's when I made her ask for directions. (Sometimes real people are better than Google.)

The trip was supposed to take just under two hours, but because of our minor setbacks (that is plural, because I only told you the funniest one) it took 2 and a half hours to get there. It was a good thing we left a half hour early.

Anyway, I got home this afternoon, and immediately fell asleep forever... We're talking a 5 hour nap (that was supposed to be only one hour), so now I'll probably be awake all night. Dumb.

This entry is going no where. I have nothing else to say.

These aren't the droids you're looking for. Move along.

What? Famous People?

Today, I went to a "probama" rally. I'm not usually the type to go to any kind of politically affiliated event, but a friend wanted me to go with her... because these two chicks from television were speaking. I don't at all know who they were. All I know is that one was from "Heroes" and the other was from "the Office." I also know that they were both really short. Now will show you a picture.



One thing I have to say for Obama... He's sure got cooler celebrity fans *couAmandaPalmergh* than McCain, that and he doesn't have a Sarah Palin. However, he could have had a Hillary... Then all would be right in the world.

movie time!!!

Where does all the time go?

You would not believe how incredibly busy I am all the time. I thought that after last week I would have free time, or at least some time to just, I don't know, do noting. So far that hasn't worked out. I have been working constantly on homework, and between the work I have for my two actual classes, I have no time whatsoever to even think about working on my thesis. Omg. I'm never going to get it finished. I'm going to fail school, and then I will die a sad and lonely life with no sex. That would be a shame.

In other news, I listened to the new Ben Folds album when it came out a couple of days ago. I felt it was my duty since Amanda loves him, and since Regina Spektor sings on the one song with him. Sad to say... I just really don't like his style. Lyrics, yes. Style, no. So... yeah... that was sad for me.

Now I must work on a bibliography... then prepare for my class. After that, I'm going with my roommate on a field trip to a book store. It's supposed to be the best in town. We'll see about that. I'll report back later.

It's been a long time since the hobo penis...

So... The conference went really well, with the exception of the stolen computer, but I really don't want to talk about that. Why focus on the bad things? My commentator loved my paper, I got at least a hundred and fifty books dollars worth of books for free, had free dinner, met a super awesome history professor who taught me about women who have murdered for revenge and gotten away with it, spent lots of time lounging in the hotel lobby, talked a lot, ate free food, and took a tour of a Civil War battlefield. It was fun imagining that all the ghosts of the fallen soldiers were there with me. By then, I was sick of history. Too much of a good thing, ne.

So... I went and got drunk.

Then I woke up to find that Amanda Palmer had gotten hit by a car. A fucking car. OMG. Who almost killed Amanda Palmer, eh? I'm just glad she's okay.

Then my roommate introduced me to the comedy of Eddie Izzard. OMG. I am in love with this guy. You must love him too!



Hopefully, my life calms down a bit now. I'm ready.

OMG... Hobo penis

Omg omg omg... I was just walking out the back door of my class building and I looked over and I kid you not I saw a homeless dude with his penis hanging out pissing on the ground.

Omg. So I did a double take cause I couldn't believe it and hobo penis was still there looking at me. I was so completely mortified. So I kept walking and hoped said homeless dude didn't come after me.

Omg. That was the grossest thing i've ever seen in my entire life. And now the effing image is burned into my brain and I want to gouge my eyeballs out. I cannot believe it. I'm never going to be the same again.

Omg.

And now I have to go buy gaffers tape. I hope I don't see anymore hobo penises. So gross.

Sent from my iPod, Astronaut.

For those of you keeping score...

I present thee:

Huge Bruise Day 3



I think the lighting is better in this image. But like... It's grown like twice the size it was originally, and it still hurts like a MOTHER.

It's not just me...

I just checked around online, and apparently everyone has the issue of the ipod touch going to some random time after it gets synced to the computers.

The good news: Astronaut isn't broken, and if I close itunes and restart it with Astronaut plugged in, she reverts back to the correct time.

The bad news: I have to restart itunes every time I charge Astronaut, and who knows how long it will take Apple to fix this issue.

I'm glad it's not just me going crazy though. I like it when my sanity gets reaffirmed. Then I don't feel quite so alone, and, not to mention, crazy.

Weirding me out...

This is so weird. Everytime I plug Astronaut into Alice to charge
her, the date and time get set back to 2006, and to a completely
arbitrary time. It's got me baffled. Do you think Alice is jealous of
Astronaut?

Sent from my iPod, Astronaut.

...church signs and bucking broncos...

The marquee sign on the local Assemblies of God church reads:

Don't be so
open minded your
brains fall out

I don't like it at all. I really don't like it. Every time I drove past it this weekend, I wanted to run over and switch the letters out to say something else. I did that one time (changed God to Dog...), but I know the pastor of the church, he's an old family friend, and he had to leave his day job to go fix the sign, so I've felt guilty about that ever since. Anyway... I don't know what it is about that particular saying, but I really hate it. I came up with two possibilities:

1) There should be a "that" between the "minded" and "your". I don't know why that would make it better for me, but I think it would be a bit better anyway.

2) Why is he telling his presumably (presumably because most inhabitants of these parts are extremely conservative) conservative congregation not to open their mind? They need to open their mind. At least more than they are now. Not so far that their brains fall out, but just a little bit more than they are now would be nice.

*****

I got bucked off a horse today. Luckily, I managed to stay on long enough to avoid falling in the 4 foot deep water that we'd been in when she started bucking, but not long enough to avoid meeting the ground at high speed. I emerged relatively unharmed with the exception of my elbows and left thigh.



Mind you. That is a 6 hour old bruise. It hurts like a Mother. I'm not looking forward to the morning.

It was me. I did it.

...lights are off, brain is on...

I hate it when I can't sleep. That means I hate this very moment. I just don't know what to do with myself. It's like my brain isn't getting the message from my head to turn off. I can't stop thinking. It's ridiculous. The cat is wishing I would sleep now, he won't stop molesting me. I wish he were a person... The far away one.

I am still not getting what I want.

Why won't my brain turn off? Why am I laying here with only a cat for company? Why do I feel so incredibly overwhelmed?

I want to touch the back of your right arm.

One hour. One hour would be enough for now. Actually, talking would even suffice. I miss... Everything.

...I love her...

I just wanted to write about how much I love my iPod, Astronaut. She is shiny and I can use her to do all sorts of things like lay on my bed, post to my blog, control my itunes over my wifi network, and be happy all at that same time.

Now... If I could just get her to grade my papers and do my homework, I'd have it made. Robot, anyone? Who will build me a robot? I would name him Cosmonaut, and he, Astronaut, and I would live happily ever after. Just like in a fairy tale.

Speaking of fairy tales, my favorite history professor is fascinated by fairy tales. He thinks it's funny that peasants were happy with only having a chicken to eat at the end of the day. Apparently, peasants weren't very creative.

Moral of the story: I love my iPod touch and everyone in the world should have them, but only if they want one, because I don't think my mom (or people like my mom) would have any use for them and they would be sad that they had to have them.

The end.

Sent from my iPod, Astronaut.

I want...

This would be a very good Christmas present for me:



They are only $9.95.

I had more to blog about, but I've forgotten it all. Terribly sorry.

Her name is astronaut...

Guess what?!?! I got her!!! I'm blogging from her!!! How awesome is that?!?! Super awesome, that's how awesome.

Sept. 16, 2008

I killed Amanda Palmer, because she doesn't love me enouch to come anywhere near me on her American tour:

Nov 12 2008 / Mercy Lounge / Nashville, TN

Nov 14 2008 / The Orange Peel / Asheville, NC

Nov 15 2008 / Lincoln Theatre / Raleigh, NC

Nov 16 2008 / Variety Playhouse / Atlanta, GA

Nov 18 2008 / 9:30 Club / Washington, DC (EARLY SHOW)

Nov 19 2008 / New Haven, CT / Toad's Place

Nov 21 2008 / Webster Hall / New York, NY

Nov 22 2008 / Theatre Of Living Arts / Philadelphia, PA

Nov 24 2008 / Paradise Rock Club / Boston, MA (NIGHT 1 of 2)

Nov 25 2008 / Paradise Rock Club / Boston, MA (NIGHT 2 of 2)

Nov 29 2008 / Mr. Small's Theatre / Pittsburgh, PA

Nov 30 2008 / Mod Club Theatre / Toronto, ONT

Dec 2 2008 / Magic Bag / Detroit, MI

Dec 3 2008 / Cabaret Metro / Chicago, IL

Dec 5 2008 / First Ave Nightclub / Minneapolis, MN

Dec 6 2008 / Bluebird Theatre / Denver, CO

Dec 8 2008 / Murray Theatre / Salt Lake City, UT

Dec 10 2008 / VENUE TBA / Vancouver, BC

Dec 11 2008 / Showbox Theatre / Seattle, WA

Dec 12 2008 / Wonder Ballroom / Portland, OR

Dec 13 2008 / Harlow's / Sacramento, CA

Dec 15 2008 / Bimbo's 365 Club / San Francisco, CA

Dec 16 2008 / Henry Fonda Theatre / Los Angeles, CA

1946 Disney Menstration Film

I think that this film may be more informative than I had to watch in fifth grade for our "puberty class." It is also delightfully wonderful. hehehehe....

Amanda Palmer & Tegan and Sarah

Okay... so... Amanda's new blog post is cool, right? Full of pictures and writing and all the things that make blog entries cool. But this picture totally cracks me up because according to Amanda they are supposed to look like a bunch of 1950s degenerates, even down to the switchblade comb she's holding. I don't think Tegan or Sarah got the message. They look entirely too happy to belong to any kind of 50s gang. But then the only 50s gangs I know about are from S.E. Hinton novels (you know, The Outsiders...). I went through an S.E. Hinton phase in high school. Did you know that The Outsiders is in the American Library Association's Top 100 most frequently challenged books? Censorship pisses me off. But, I digress... that's a topic for a different day. Also off-topic, but did you know that Hinton is, first of all, a chick (I was amazed to find that out in high school. I had read like 3 of her books before I found out. It's weird. She writes from such a dude's perspective) and, second of all, she wrote The Outsiders when she was only 15? Can you believe that? I had no idea.



Anyway... I think I made my point. Point: 50s gang members were not happy.

P.S. I don't think I have ever seen Tegan or Sarah before now. That's so weird. I had no idea what they looked like.

Edit: Why the hell does blogger think I want it to resize my images to 400 pixel width? It's so fucking annoying. I don't understand it. It would be different if it would, I don't know, actually Resize it, but no... It just cuts the side off and then the picture looks stupid. Hate you GOOGLE!

She's on her way!

"We wanted to let you know that your order has shipped."

I'm excited, I'm excited, I'm excited, I'm excited!

...the historian in me, she can't resist...

"If we are to accept, as Doyle here invites us to do, that the shape of the revolution was determined by accidents, then we are to accept not simply that the outcome was fundamentally random but also that the event is its own explanation. That runs the risk of becoming eventually an argument akin to 'what happens, happens because it happens.'" -Colin Lucas

Now see... no matter how right a philosophy of "what happens, happens" may be, a historian can never put forth that argument for the simple fact that if we did, we would be out of a job. hehehehe...

...constitution anyone?...

Form email that I'm choosing to blog instead:

Subject: What matters to you?

Hey,

We’re buried in a blizzard of speeches, TV ads, emails and phone calls from political candidates. But, are they talking about the issues that matter to you and me?

Who will act with energy and conviction to restore our lost liberties? Who will put their foot down to end torture? Who will hold accountable those who condoned illegal activities?

I think these are critical issues this election season. That's why I just got my free “I’m a Constitution Voter” bumper sticker.

Join me and let candidates know you want immediate action to restore our fundamental freedoms.

Get your free "I Am a Constitution Voter" today:
http://action.aclu.org/bumper_sticker

***********

Thanks for taking a stand!

The ACLU Online Team

Geek Fail

This is cracking me up:

“What did they say in ‘Star Wars’? We’re going where no man has ever been? Well, that’s where we’re going.”

All hell has broken loose in geek-dom.

Today I broke my bike...

...on the way to a bike race.

OMG

Look at all the new iPod yumminess!

I WANT THE NEW IPOD TOUCH!!!

I seriously cannot wait for the new iPod touch. Can't wait. Want one now. Must wait for refurbs. I can do it. Want!

...dead bodies...

Warning: The post you are about to read contains my ramblings about history. Also, dead bodies.


Confederate dead behind the stone wall of Marye's Heights, Fredericksburg, Virginia, killed during the Battle of Chancellorsville, May 1863

I've been mulling this theory over and over in my head for awhile now. It's just that I really don't understand why the Southern states decided that they should seceed from the Union to start the Civil War. My reasoning is this: It was the issue of the expansion of slavery that ultimately caused the war. The southern slaveholding states felt it pertinant to expand slavery to other states and/or territories as a safety valve. By 1860, many slaveholding states actually had a majority of slaves than slave owners. The slave owners felt they needed expansion as an outlet to get rid of slaves who were rapidly procreating. To me, it seems that it would have been better to try and attain this through the channels in the government than by seceeding from the union.

I feel that they should have realized that by seceeding from the union they were going against what they wanted in the first place. Had the South won the Civil War, eventually the slaves would have realized that they were in the majority and they would have eventually revolted to put down the slave owners. Either way, this is bad. Civil War=Death of many many many people. Slave revolt=Death of many many many people. Stay with the union=No Death.

Bottom line: War doesn't make sense.


Chancellorsville Campaign, Virginia, May 3, 1863: A Southern soldier who died attempting to hold the Confederate line on Marye's Heights overlooking Fredricksburg, Virginia. Note the rifle across the soldier's body—photographers loved to place weapons on bodies to add drama to the image.

I'm a historian, so what?"

"The historian's god is chance. Cleopatra's nose, the Duchess of Marlborough's gloves, the Holy Roman Emperor's mushrooms, Hitler sending a dispatch a day later than he should have sent it - these are the true stuff of history. And the task of the historian is to accumulate more and more of such facts and put them in chronological order. His not to reason why; indeed, he must not reason at all. His world is an academic Garden of Eden, a nudist's paradise of naked facts, in which he may sport, inocent not only of the idea's of good and evil [...], but innocent of any ideas at all."

Alfred Cobban
The Social Interpretation of the French Revolution

To Google...

Dear Google Chrome,

I do not like you. I do not like that you tricked me into downloading you even after I said I did not want you. I hate you Google. Stick with the things you are good at, like email and calendars. Google, don't make me hate you.

September 9th...

...is supposed to be the day for the big iPod announcement. I hope they do something awesome. I'd totally love a 16 gb or higher iPod touch, but I don't want to spend 200 dollars for it.

Also, why is my stupid blog advertising LASIK eye surgery? They are supposed to be RELEVANT ads. I never once talked about eyes until now. Now that's relevant. hmm... maybe it knew I would talk about it... ooo... creepy. Google is creepy.

Plus, they have a new web browser. You should download it, and tell me what it's like compared to Firefox.

I like it when people randomly talk to me

Walking to class:

Boy: Are you my teacher?
Me: Are you in room 004 right now?
Boy: Yes.
Me: I believe I am.

Hehehehe... I'm awesome.

Later, in the elevator while minding my own business:

Different Boy: Hey... I really dig that shirt. I love the Dresden Dolls.
Me: Thanks!
In my head: OMG! HE DIGS MY SHIRT!!!

...I really like this poem...

One Art
by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.


--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

...this post does not warrant a title...

I've forgotten how to be emo. God, I feel so fucking emo right now. All day actually. And for no apparent reason. I had class this morning, and it was good (a bit boring, but good). Then I had lunch with a friend, and we headed back to campus to do a little bit of work in the office (I'm not sure what she was doing, but I had some copying to do). I got caught in the main office teaching a professor how to use Google image search to get pictures big enough to use for her powerpoint presentation, and then as I got into my office, a different professor cornered me about the work I'm doing for him on the upcoming conference the department is hosting. That ended up with a mini-field trip across campus, and then a bigger field trip across town to the hotel where the conference will be held. The lady even gave us freshly baked cookies before we left, and I still couldn't shake the emo feelings in my head.

As the evening turned to night, emo did a damn good job of turning into full blown feelings of wanting to be anywhere but here. Ugh. Anywhere but alive. Now I just feel alone.

Amanda Palmer's new video is doing nothing for my mood, and quite possibly is driving me further and further into my craziness, even though her boots are fucking hott.



You see what I mean? Not good for my psyche. I'm not sure if that means what I want it to, but it will have to do for now.

I don't understand why I'm feeling this today; I want it to leave. At one point, I felt like this all the time. Everyday. I got used to being happy, and staying out of the mire that my mind likes to trap me in when I get slightly depressed at all, but I couldn't dig myself out today.

My bed is calling me. Hopefully, I'll fall asleep and be on the happier side of things tomorrow. But who fucking knows? Maybe tomorrow I'll have a reason to be emo. Life happens.

Philosophy of hate?

"Always give your best, never get discouraged, never get petty; always remember, others may hate you, but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself." -Richard Nixon

How's that for your hate philosophy? It seems to fit right in.

180 eyes

Professor to class: I'm going to introduce the graduate assistant now.

Professor to me: Why don't you stand up here for a minute so everyone can see you?

I reluctantly stand up and turn around to see 90 pairs of eyes staring me down expectantly. Omg, that had to be the scariest moment of my life. What do they expect of me? I bet most of them think that my sections of the class are going to be the biggest joke in the world. Hopefully, everything will go well, and at the end of the semester most of them think they gained something from my classes. I've got my fingers crossed.

****

In other news, I've been keeping up with the pro-Tibet protests in China on boingboing.net (I love BoingBoing.), and today since all of the protestors should be safely home from their stints in Chinese prisons, BoingBoingTV aired the Xeni Jardin's interview of the two American videobloggers who were in China to make sure the protests did not go unnoticed.

I've never been the kind of person who is into protests and whatnot. I guess because if it doesn't directly affect me, it doesn't exist for me. But I do sympathize with the Tibetans, and I think it was both courageous and stupid to protest Tibet at the Olympics. I admire those who did.

pro-Tibet videobloggers

****

Lastly, my internet adventure today took me to a website featuring the girl soldiers of the Israeli army. The pictures are all striking and usually feature a girl carrying a huge gun around with them. I'm glad that military service isn't mandatory here in the States. I like the posters in the background of this photo.



****

180 eyes were put into perspective for me after seeing these websites. I don't live in under a totalitarian regime, and I have yet to be forced into the Armed Services. I'll take my life over theirs any day.

****

I wish I lived in London.

Happening right now: A massive fire in the heart of Oklahoma.

I drove to my parents house this morning with my window down, the Dresden Dolls blaring, and singing at the top of my lungs. I didn't notice until I got all the way home that my speakers were strained, and now they are cracked. It's really really really annoying to have cracked speakers. Mine are ALWAYS cracked, but I was trying to keep these in good condition, and they lasted about a year before their death.

****

I got my hair cut today. I let her do what she wanted with it. It's kind of crazy, and she cut the top a bit too short, but I really like it. It's really awesome, and different, and fun, and cool.

****

Seems that I'm going in random directions with my thinking today, but back to my singing in the car. Occasionally, I would find my mind wandering to random things. I couldn't decide if while I was zoned out in my head (I know, I know, that's scary because I was driving.), I was able to keep singing or not. I would try to decide if I'd been singing after I noticed that I'd been spaced out, but I could never tell. Now I'm really curious to know if I was singing or not, but I can't figure out a way to find that out. Sooo annoying.

****

Yesterday, I was reading random livejournals and I stumbled upon an entry that mentioned that they had been reading The Plot to Save Socrates. That is a hella awesome name for a book so I did a quick Google search and the synopsis sounded as cool as the name, so I found it on Amazon and bought it. I'm so excited for it.

****

A Native American tribe in Oregon has legalized same-sex marriages. Lucky for them.

Good bye, olive sky...

I had a whole lot of things I wanted to write about tonight, but the time has gotten away from me, and now it's time for bed. I finished a shirt tonight and two are drying right now. One will have additional stencils to paint on, but at the moment it has to dry before I finish. I'm still not sure what I want to put on the hoodie, but I'm sure I'll figure it out.

The most exciting thing I did today: put Star Wars on my ipod. It was very nice, and I am very much a geek. You know what? I'm even a bit proud of it.

Tomorrow, I will pick up the +44 cd from the library, and I will get my hair chopped off. I'm excited! I hope to cut it super short this time. I couldn't ever really cut it that short before, since I had to be able to pull it back for working purposes, but... since i'm no longer cooking food, I don't have to worry about that anymore. I hope she makes it look awesome!!!

Wow. I'm super excited about everything today for some reason. What is my deal?

Anyway, bed time. Night night. :)

Claymation ZOMBIES!!!!!

I must admit. I like this short.

Chainsaw Maid

Dumb Americans...

From a television show:

Foreign detective to suspect: Wir nicht in America.

American detective: What'd you just say to him?

Foreign detective to American detective: I simply told him we're not in America anymore.

Is it just me or is that the dumbest American you've ever seen? You don't have to be able to speak any foreign language to know what she said to him. Duh. If this is how American television portray American's, I'd hate to see how other countries television portray us.

Emailing is fun!

I spent most of today emailing my mom since she just upgraded from Evil dial-up and can actually use it. She was cracking me up, and she's completely convinced that I have nothing to do at my job and that she needs one just like it. I just wish that my job didn't end in a week, because I'm afraid that being a graduate assistant is going to be more work than a student worker. Being a student worker has definitely been the easiest job I've ever had. Plus, it gives me ample time to play on the internet.

I noticed after my last entry that Google was advertising for Amanda Palmer's new CD on my website. How cool is that? Super cool.

Speaking of Amanda Palmer... I've been keeping up with the saga of her death here, here, and here, along with her very own blog, here. Their lives seem so much cooler than mine. What have I done this summer? Sat behind a desk every day of my life. What did they do? Awesomeness. How lame am I? Super lame. I'm waiting for the new video to be posted on youtube, but it doesn't seem to be out yet. I'm sad. I think today's the day for it... I guess we'll wait and see.

This seems to be a completely random entry today, but whatever. OMG, I'm really freaking scared to teach classes this year. All those kids are gonna think I'm soo lame. I'm going to like... get there on the first day, and they are all going to give me the evil eye and I'm going to melt right there into a puddle on the freaking floor. It's going to be a sad day. I'm really not looking forward to it. On the upside of things, I do get my very own key to the history department, so that's exciting.

I'm really hungry now. Pizza tonight, but I'm hungry now.

God, I hope when I'm a history professor, I'm not annoying. Why are professors so annoying? That is a question of the ages. I hope I'm not sentenced to a long life of annoyingness... but I'm afraid I am.

Teaching is scary...

I just recieved my assignment for the Fall semester. I'm gonna be teaching 3 FREAKING classes. WTF?!

The life of a student worker...

...usually agrees with me very well. Especially on the days that I have nothing to do, but browse the web or do homework at my leisure. Unfortunately, today was not one of those days. I think I managed to xerox close to 1,500 pages for various professors. I also got exams ready, and cleaned the workroom. But it was the copying that took up most of my day.

I'll be finished with work soon. I've gotta make a trip to the library after I clock out. I'm not exactly looking forward to it. It was already sweltering out when I biked across campus this morning. Now it's probably an oven.

I noticed that the web as a general rule was a bit dead today. Not sure why, but I didn't have nearly as many blog entries to keep up with. Don't know why. Just an observation.

Another thing I did today was look for the books for my paleography class online. One of them I found, and it is currently being shipped in my direction (according to the email I recieved). The second book, I found super cheap with Bookfinder.com, but I knew it was not to be, since it was being sold by abebooks. For some weird reason, that stupid website always has the best deals, and they ALWAYS reject my debit card. I have no idea the reasoning behind it. Every other online book retailer loves to see the little numbers of my debit account and they eat them right up, but for some reason abebooks spits them back at me everyFREAKINGtime. I'm convinced they hate me, but I don't know why.

I must go now, so I can lock the doors before I leave. Maybe I'll post something more interesting next time. :D

Night Photography

I practiced with long time exposure shots last night. They turned out really well. I'm impressed with me.





This photo was taken after I started using a bucket as a tripod. It worked a lot better than just setting the camera on the ground, but still wasn't quite tall enough. That's why so much grass is in the picture. I could have edited it out, but I actually am pleased with the effect.





This photo was actually the first picture of the series. I was still just sitting on the porch trying to figure out exactly how it would work, and it turned out beautifully. Beginner's luck, I suppose.

Things I cannot stand.

1) People reading my computer screen over my shoulder uninvited. It drives me insane. Insane, insane. Really, it doesn't even matter what I'm doing on the computer. I don't like it when people make a point to walk over to see what I'm typing on. It's really none of their business. What if I'd been typing away at something that they really didn't want to read in the first place? Like this blog entry, maybe. Granted, I probably shouldn't be writing blog posts at work, and I probably shouldn't be doing anything that I wouldn't want people to be see at work, but... let's face it. When faced with the prospect of sitting at a computer screen idly for hours a day, doesn't it make it seem a bit nicer to do something that you enjoy? Anyway... that leads in to my second point.

2) People knowing my business. Period. And I do realize that's a bit ironic since I am writing that on my blog.

3) Professors who think its my job to cater to their every need. No, I don't actually want to xerox the 300 page book you left for me to copy, even if I act like it's not a big deal, even if I act like I'd love to do it, I can guarantee that I do NOT want to xerox your freaking book. That's the kind of thing you do on your own. Not the kind of thing you ask the lowly student worker to do, doesn't matter if your a tenured professor or the freaking dean. I don't want to waste my time xeroxing when I could be doing things much more productive to my life.

****

At the moment, those are the only things that come to mind. I'm sure there are many, many more examples of things I can't stand, but that seems like a topic for a different post.

Today, I decided to give myself the day off from school work. I figured I deserved it for working so hard yesterday writing and editing my paper. Tomorrow, I will work on editing my paper down to conference paper length. I'm just going to chop pieces out of it out, but the difficulty lies in keeping all the important parts so I don't lose any meaning anywhere. The last thing I want is some smartass professor picking apart my conference paper, just because I left out an essential part.

Anyway, since I wasn't going to be working on actual work today, of course I had to have something to do. Yesterday, while I was messing around with my blog, I realized how boring it looks... It's just a run of the mill blog, and since I've yet to really hit it big on the internet blogging scene, I just wanted to make it pretty for myself. So I took a quick picture of my desk, and threw my camera and card reader in my back and headed out the door. When I got to work, I downloaded and installed Portable GIMP to my thumb drive. I've been meaning to learn to use this program for editing photos. I've heard that it has most of the functionality of Photoshop, but for free. Then I edited the photo I took this morning, and added it to the header of my blog. However, I've had mucho time to research photography on the web, and I realized how crappy a picture that is... so I'm going to do a better one when I get home. I also read about taking great night pictures. I'm going to see if I can find my roommate's tripod, and try it out this evening.

Then I remembered another thing that I cannot stand, but I've forgotten it in the time since I remembered it and then started writing again. I do that all the time. Maybe it's something that I can't stand. But... I've learned to deal with it for the most part.

****

One of the professors just came in and asked us to have a janitor sent to clean up the bathroom, because someone "defecated" on the floor. We called for a janitor, and learned that yesterday someone had done the same thing in the first floor bathrooms. Sounds like we have a mad poop bandit on our hands. Hehehehe...

For those of you keeping score...

Today, I managed to finish my seminar paper completely.  It's as good as it's going to get.  Only a day later than I had actually wanted to get it finished.  I still have to edit it down to 15 pages for the conference, but at the moment I'm happy with my accomplishments.  My brain feels fried.  I just want to go home and sleep.  I haven't been doing this much thinking lately.  I'm not used to it. 

They'd say that I'm crazy.

I did as much as I possibly could of editing from work. I was too lazy install the Zotero toolbar to Word, and I was also too lazy to actually type out footnotes, so anything that had to be footnoted is marked in red, and the sections I have to actually write, like the one involving the inquisition in the Netherlands, are labeled and highlighted in red. Then I took notes in my yellow notebook, so I wouldn't forget anything that I'd need to write about later. I think I'll probably try to work on it more tonight. I'd really like to finish it today, so in that case that leaves tonight to work on it.

In the meantime, I've been distracting myself with the new tracks from Amanda Palmer's upcoming album. She released a new track yesterday as a video and, omg, I can't stop myself from watching it randomly every hour or so. It's beautiful and it definitely goes with my mood for the day. Somedays aren't meant for being happy. Today isn't, that's for sure. I just feel like staring at a wall. The whiter and less interesting the better. Today's the kind of day that my mind won't actually work for anything but technical tasks, like editing a paper. Maybe that's why I was actually able to work on it today. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood.



This is the link to the video that I've been watching. I love Amanda Palmer. Oh wow, I just remembered a dream that I about her last night. Regina Spektor was in it too. It was a pretty cool dream. We hung out all night long and then since I hadn't been drinking, or rather since they thought I hadn't been drinking they made me drive them home. It was one of those dreams you wake up to and you wish that you could just keep dreaming instead of having to get up and begin a day that you know is going to be terrible. God, I'm so fucking emo today. It's a good thing that the day is almost over.

My boss just made me install the Zotero toolbar. Now I have no excuse to not work on my paper. Except that I don't want to.

The trials and travails of a grad student...

I realized today why I've been putting off editing my seminar paper. There are so many changes to make it's not even funny. I can't submit it as a conference paper, not yet. I don't even know how to change some of the stuff tho. I think I'll have to take out a whole section I'd written about the Duke of Alva, because it's just wrong. The information itself isn't wrong, but the whole context that I thought would be fitting there is just ridiculous. I'm really not sure what I was thinking.

Then if editing for content and quality isn't enough, I'll be expected to condense it down into a 10-12 page paper for presentation, and I know my advisor will expect me to have a nice powerpoint presentation to go along with it. I think I may skip the powerpoint. No one really cares anyway, and the less I have to fumble over, the more I can concentrate on actually just getting the words out without tripping over my tongue. I don't know. I guess I don't really have to worry about that right now, I mean, the conference isn't for another 3 months. What I do need to concentrate on is getting my paper edited. I just keep thinking of other things I need to add to this paper, and I know one of my friends wants to trade papers and edit them together, but at this rate I'm not going to have the stupid thing finished by the August 15th deadline to submit to the commentator.

I think at the moment, I'm pretty free from distractions. Aside from normal work things, but the phones have been pretty quiet today. I finally finished working on my ipod, and have everything downloaded at the moment that I wanted (I might talk more about that later). So... I'm going to try to get this paper edited by tonight. Hopefully, all goes well, and I get it done. But I'm not going to put much stock in that sentiment, especially since I'm fairly certain it won't happen.

I'm quitting.  Cold turkey.  It's the only way.  I'm really going to do it this time.  I must.

I just saved $107.54 by buying my school books online, rather than at the university bookstore.

i'm not gonna match you, cause i'll lose my voice completely. i'm just gonna watch you, cause i'm not the one that's crazy.

there is so much i could say... so much, but as soon as i think it, i bury it as deep as i can, so it doesn't hurt anymore.  i give everything i can.  i have given so much, i've almost lost my voice... and those things i don't give on start fires that i can't put out.  but to get right to the heart of the matter... i'm a human... i'm a living breathing tangible emotional human.  i like to be recognized as such, and i like my ideas, and thoughts, feelings, and emotions to be valid.  i want to be listened to... i want others to be excited with me.  i spend a lot of time being excited for others, but when it comes to me, i just must not be very exciting.  my passions must be boring.  i must be boring.  it's the only answer i can come up with. 

maybe i should just admit defeat.  i can't keep doing this.  if there is nothing i can do to change anything, i don't know why i bother.  i wish i knew.  i wish i could make heads or tails of what's going on, but i can't.  everything is clouded by my emotions... and i know if i were on the outside, i would be rooting for me to just give up, but i can't see that from here.  i'm not on the outside. 

is it to much to ask to just be wanted?  i don't even feel wanted anymore.  i feel like if i fell off the face of the earth at this moment, not only would no one notice, but everything would be better because of it.  i know how emo that sounds, and i can't help it.  these are the thoughts i keep to myself.  the thoughts that i think, and then forget.  but really, i haven't felt wanted in forever.  i feel like i climbed to the top of the stereotypical rope from the stereotypical gym class, and i was at the top of the world.  i finally made it up the fucking rope... i was invincible, until i lost my grip and the room started spinning and now i'm still frantically grasping for the rope, or anything just so i can get back to the top, but the rope has suddenly disappeared, and there is no hope for me to ever catch hold to anything.  but still i grasp.  everyone can see it's hopeless because time has slowed... it's like a train wreck... and no one can stop watching and hoping that i will just admit defeat.  i'm in that limbo... still grasping even tho even i have realized everything will just be better if i let go.

i just want to be loved again.  i want to feel loved.  i don't think i'm going to get what i want.  i'm just going to look like a pathetic loser, and then i'm going to fall on my ass. 

i guess the problem is that i DO want to live my life on one side of an ampersand, but... there is no one on the other side. 

Amanda, I can relate.

is it enough to have some love
small enough to slip inside a book
small enough to cover with your hand
because everyone around you wants to look

it is enough to have some love
small enough to slip inside the cracks
the pieces don't fit together so good
with all the breaking and all the gluing back

and i am still not getting what i want
i want to touch the back of your right arm
i wish you could remind me who i was
because every day I'm a little further off

but you are, my love, the astronaut
flying in the face of science
i will gladly stay an afterthought
just bring back some nice reminders

and is it getting harder to pretend
that life goes on without you in the wake
and can you see the means without the end
in the random frantic action that we take

and is it getting easy not to care
despite the many rings around your name
it isn't funny and it isn't fair
you've traveled all this way and it's the same

but you are, my love, the astronaut
flying in the face of science
i will gladly stay an afterthought
just bring back some nice reminders
and i would tell them anything to see you split the evening
but as you see i do not have an awful lot to tell
everybody's sick for something that they can find fascinating
everyone but you and even you aren't feeling well

but you are, my love, the astronaut
flying in the face of science
i will gladly stay an afterthought
just bring back some nice reminders

yes you are, my love, the astronaut
crashing in the name of science
just my luck they sent your upper half
it's a very nice reminder
it's a very nice reminder

and you may be acquainted with the night
but I have seen the darkness in the day
and you must know it is a terrifying sight
because you and i are living the same way

"Hope, Faith, and Love were thought the most appropriate symbols for the man [Charles V, Holy Roman Emperor] who had invented the edicts [condemning Protestantism], introduced the inquisition, and whose last words, inscribed by a hand already trembling with death, had adjured his son, by his love, allegiance, and hope of salvation, to deal to all heretics, the extreme rigor of the law, 'without respect of persons and without regard to any plea in their favor.'"

-John Lothrop Motley, The Rise of the Dutch Republic, Vol. 1

Politics Scmolitics

Usually... usually, I have no interest for politics (unless they happened a few centuries ago), but... Sean Tevis... you had me at forum troll.  Seriously, using a webcomic to generate donations?

http://seantevis.com/kansas/3000/running-for-office-xkcd-style/ 

If I lived in Kansas, I'd gladly donate Mr. Tevis $8.34.  Since I'm not, I'll just appease myself with reading his blog.  I think I'll survive. 

While I'm on the topic of politicians on the internet, I'll just take a moment to mention who's not, republican presidential hopeful, John McCain.  In his New York Time's interview, McCain was quoted:

"They [his wife and various aides] go on for me. [...] I am learning to get online myself, and I will have that down fairly soon, getting on myself. I don't expect to be a great communicator, I don't expect to set up my own blog, but I am becoming computer literate to the point where I can get the information that I need."

Unbelievable.

Google makes everything easy...

...even blogging.