there is so much i could say... so much, but as soon as i think it, i bury it as deep as i can, so it doesn't hurt anymore. i give everything i can. i have given so much, i've almost lost my voice... and those things i don't give on start fires that i can't put out. but to get right to the heart of the matter... i'm a human... i'm a living breathing tangible emotional human. i like to be recognized as such, and i like my ideas, and thoughts, feelings, and emotions to be valid. i want to be listened to... i want others to be excited with me. i spend a lot of time being excited for others, but when it comes to me, i just must not be very exciting. my passions must be boring. i must be boring. it's the only answer i can come up with.
maybe i should just admit defeat. i can't keep doing this. if there is nothing i can do to change anything, i don't know why i bother. i wish i knew. i wish i could make heads or tails of what's going on, but i can't. everything is clouded by my emotions... and i know if i were on the outside, i would be rooting for me to just give up, but i can't see that from here. i'm not on the outside.
is it to much to ask to just be wanted? i don't even feel wanted anymore. i feel like if i fell off the face of the earth at this moment, not only would no one notice, but everything would be better because of it. i know how emo that sounds, and i can't help it. these are the thoughts i keep to myself. the thoughts that i think, and then forget. but really, i haven't felt wanted in forever. i feel like i climbed to the top of the stereotypical rope from the stereotypical gym class, and i was at the top of the world. i finally made it up the fucking rope... i was invincible, until i lost my grip and the room started spinning and now i'm still frantically grasping for the rope, or anything just so i can get back to the top, but the rope has suddenly disappeared, and there is no hope for me to ever catch hold to anything. but still i grasp. everyone can see it's hopeless because time has slowed... it's like a train wreck... and no one can stop watching and hoping that i will just admit defeat. i'm in that limbo... still grasping even tho even i have realized everything will just be better if i let go.
i just want to be loved again. i want to feel loved. i don't think i'm going to get what i want. i'm just going to look like a pathetic loser, and then i'm going to fall on my ass.
i guess the problem is that i DO want to live my life on one side of an ampersand, but... there is no one on the other side.
maybe i should just admit defeat. i can't keep doing this. if there is nothing i can do to change anything, i don't know why i bother. i wish i knew. i wish i could make heads or tails of what's going on, but i can't. everything is clouded by my emotions... and i know if i were on the outside, i would be rooting for me to just give up, but i can't see that from here. i'm not on the outside.
is it to much to ask to just be wanted? i don't even feel wanted anymore. i feel like if i fell off the face of the earth at this moment, not only would no one notice, but everything would be better because of it. i know how emo that sounds, and i can't help it. these are the thoughts i keep to myself. the thoughts that i think, and then forget. but really, i haven't felt wanted in forever. i feel like i climbed to the top of the stereotypical rope from the stereotypical gym class, and i was at the top of the world. i finally made it up the fucking rope... i was invincible, until i lost my grip and the room started spinning and now i'm still frantically grasping for the rope, or anything just so i can get back to the top, but the rope has suddenly disappeared, and there is no hope for me to ever catch hold to anything. but still i grasp. everyone can see it's hopeless because time has slowed... it's like a train wreck... and no one can stop watching and hoping that i will just admit defeat. i'm in that limbo... still grasping even tho even i have realized everything will just be better if i let go.
i just want to be loved again. i want to feel loved. i don't think i'm going to get what i want. i'm just going to look like a pathetic loser, and then i'm going to fall on my ass.
i guess the problem is that i DO want to live my life on one side of an ampersand, but... there is no one on the other side.
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