Things I cannot stand.

1) People reading my computer screen over my shoulder uninvited. It drives me insane. Insane, insane. Really, it doesn't even matter what I'm doing on the computer. I don't like it when people make a point to walk over to see what I'm typing on. It's really none of their business. What if I'd been typing away at something that they really didn't want to read in the first place? Like this blog entry, maybe. Granted, I probably shouldn't be writing blog posts at work, and I probably shouldn't be doing anything that I wouldn't want people to be see at work, but... let's face it. When faced with the prospect of sitting at a computer screen idly for hours a day, doesn't it make it seem a bit nicer to do something that you enjoy? Anyway... that leads in to my second point.

2) People knowing my business. Period. And I do realize that's a bit ironic since I am writing that on my blog.

3) Professors who think its my job to cater to their every need. No, I don't actually want to xerox the 300 page book you left for me to copy, even if I act like it's not a big deal, even if I act like I'd love to do it, I can guarantee that I do NOT want to xerox your freaking book. That's the kind of thing you do on your own. Not the kind of thing you ask the lowly student worker to do, doesn't matter if your a tenured professor or the freaking dean. I don't want to waste my time xeroxing when I could be doing things much more productive to my life.

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At the moment, those are the only things that come to mind. I'm sure there are many, many more examples of things I can't stand, but that seems like a topic for a different post.

Today, I decided to give myself the day off from school work. I figured I deserved it for working so hard yesterday writing and editing my paper. Tomorrow, I will work on editing my paper down to conference paper length. I'm just going to chop pieces out of it out, but the difficulty lies in keeping all the important parts so I don't lose any meaning anywhere. The last thing I want is some smartass professor picking apart my conference paper, just because I left out an essential part.

Anyway, since I wasn't going to be working on actual work today, of course I had to have something to do. Yesterday, while I was messing around with my blog, I realized how boring it looks... It's just a run of the mill blog, and since I've yet to really hit it big on the internet blogging scene, I just wanted to make it pretty for myself. So I took a quick picture of my desk, and threw my camera and card reader in my back and headed out the door. When I got to work, I downloaded and installed Portable GIMP to my thumb drive. I've been meaning to learn to use this program for editing photos. I've heard that it has most of the functionality of Photoshop, but for free. Then I edited the photo I took this morning, and added it to the header of my blog. However, I've had mucho time to research photography on the web, and I realized how crappy a picture that is... so I'm going to do a better one when I get home. I also read about taking great night pictures. I'm going to see if I can find my roommate's tripod, and try it out this evening.

Then I remembered another thing that I cannot stand, but I've forgotten it in the time since I remembered it and then started writing again. I do that all the time. Maybe it's something that I can't stand. But... I've learned to deal with it for the most part.

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One of the professors just came in and asked us to have a janitor sent to clean up the bathroom, because someone "defecated" on the floor. We called for a janitor, and learned that yesterday someone had done the same thing in the first floor bathrooms. Sounds like we have a mad poop bandit on our hands. Hehehehe...

For those of you keeping score...

Today, I managed to finish my seminar paper completely.  It's as good as it's going to get.  Only a day later than I had actually wanted to get it finished.  I still have to edit it down to 15 pages for the conference, but at the moment I'm happy with my accomplishments.  My brain feels fried.  I just want to go home and sleep.  I haven't been doing this much thinking lately.  I'm not used to it. 

They'd say that I'm crazy.

I did as much as I possibly could of editing from work. I was too lazy install the Zotero toolbar to Word, and I was also too lazy to actually type out footnotes, so anything that had to be footnoted is marked in red, and the sections I have to actually write, like the one involving the inquisition in the Netherlands, are labeled and highlighted in red. Then I took notes in my yellow notebook, so I wouldn't forget anything that I'd need to write about later. I think I'll probably try to work on it more tonight. I'd really like to finish it today, so in that case that leaves tonight to work on it.

In the meantime, I've been distracting myself with the new tracks from Amanda Palmer's upcoming album. She released a new track yesterday as a video and, omg, I can't stop myself from watching it randomly every hour or so. It's beautiful and it definitely goes with my mood for the day. Somedays aren't meant for being happy. Today isn't, that's for sure. I just feel like staring at a wall. The whiter and less interesting the better. Today's the kind of day that my mind won't actually work for anything but technical tasks, like editing a paper. Maybe that's why I was actually able to work on it today. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood.



This is the link to the video that I've been watching. I love Amanda Palmer. Oh wow, I just remembered a dream that I about her last night. Regina Spektor was in it too. It was a pretty cool dream. We hung out all night long and then since I hadn't been drinking, or rather since they thought I hadn't been drinking they made me drive them home. It was one of those dreams you wake up to and you wish that you could just keep dreaming instead of having to get up and begin a day that you know is going to be terrible. God, I'm so fucking emo today. It's a good thing that the day is almost over.

My boss just made me install the Zotero toolbar. Now I have no excuse to not work on my paper. Except that I don't want to.

The trials and travails of a grad student...

I realized today why I've been putting off editing my seminar paper. There are so many changes to make it's not even funny. I can't submit it as a conference paper, not yet. I don't even know how to change some of the stuff tho. I think I'll have to take out a whole section I'd written about the Duke of Alva, because it's just wrong. The information itself isn't wrong, but the whole context that I thought would be fitting there is just ridiculous. I'm really not sure what I was thinking.

Then if editing for content and quality isn't enough, I'll be expected to condense it down into a 10-12 page paper for presentation, and I know my advisor will expect me to have a nice powerpoint presentation to go along with it. I think I may skip the powerpoint. No one really cares anyway, and the less I have to fumble over, the more I can concentrate on actually just getting the words out without tripping over my tongue. I don't know. I guess I don't really have to worry about that right now, I mean, the conference isn't for another 3 months. What I do need to concentrate on is getting my paper edited. I just keep thinking of other things I need to add to this paper, and I know one of my friends wants to trade papers and edit them together, but at this rate I'm not going to have the stupid thing finished by the August 15th deadline to submit to the commentator.

I think at the moment, I'm pretty free from distractions. Aside from normal work things, but the phones have been pretty quiet today. I finally finished working on my ipod, and have everything downloaded at the moment that I wanted (I might talk more about that later). So... I'm going to try to get this paper edited by tonight. Hopefully, all goes well, and I get it done. But I'm not going to put much stock in that sentiment, especially since I'm fairly certain it won't happen.

I'm quitting.  Cold turkey.  It's the only way.  I'm really going to do it this time.  I must.

I just saved $107.54 by buying my school books online, rather than at the university bookstore.

i'm not gonna match you, cause i'll lose my voice completely. i'm just gonna watch you, cause i'm not the one that's crazy.

there is so much i could say... so much, but as soon as i think it, i bury it as deep as i can, so it doesn't hurt anymore.  i give everything i can.  i have given so much, i've almost lost my voice... and those things i don't give on start fires that i can't put out.  but to get right to the heart of the matter... i'm a human... i'm a living breathing tangible emotional human.  i like to be recognized as such, and i like my ideas, and thoughts, feelings, and emotions to be valid.  i want to be listened to... i want others to be excited with me.  i spend a lot of time being excited for others, but when it comes to me, i just must not be very exciting.  my passions must be boring.  i must be boring.  it's the only answer i can come up with. 

maybe i should just admit defeat.  i can't keep doing this.  if there is nothing i can do to change anything, i don't know why i bother.  i wish i knew.  i wish i could make heads or tails of what's going on, but i can't.  everything is clouded by my emotions... and i know if i were on the outside, i would be rooting for me to just give up, but i can't see that from here.  i'm not on the outside. 

is it to much to ask to just be wanted?  i don't even feel wanted anymore.  i feel like if i fell off the face of the earth at this moment, not only would no one notice, but everything would be better because of it.  i know how emo that sounds, and i can't help it.  these are the thoughts i keep to myself.  the thoughts that i think, and then forget.  but really, i haven't felt wanted in forever.  i feel like i climbed to the top of the stereotypical rope from the stereotypical gym class, and i was at the top of the world.  i finally made it up the fucking rope... i was invincible, until i lost my grip and the room started spinning and now i'm still frantically grasping for the rope, or anything just so i can get back to the top, but the rope has suddenly disappeared, and there is no hope for me to ever catch hold to anything.  but still i grasp.  everyone can see it's hopeless because time has slowed... it's like a train wreck... and no one can stop watching and hoping that i will just admit defeat.  i'm in that limbo... still grasping even tho even i have realized everything will just be better if i let go.

i just want to be loved again.  i want to feel loved.  i don't think i'm going to get what i want.  i'm just going to look like a pathetic loser, and then i'm going to fall on my ass. 

i guess the problem is that i DO want to live my life on one side of an ampersand, but... there is no one on the other side. 

Amanda, I can relate.

is it enough to have some love
small enough to slip inside a book
small enough to cover with your hand
because everyone around you wants to look

it is enough to have some love
small enough to slip inside the cracks
the pieces don't fit together so good
with all the breaking and all the gluing back

and i am still not getting what i want
i want to touch the back of your right arm
i wish you could remind me who i was
because every day I'm a little further off

but you are, my love, the astronaut
flying in the face of science
i will gladly stay an afterthought
just bring back some nice reminders

and is it getting harder to pretend
that life goes on without you in the wake
and can you see the means without the end
in the random frantic action that we take

and is it getting easy not to care
despite the many rings around your name
it isn't funny and it isn't fair
you've traveled all this way and it's the same

but you are, my love, the astronaut
flying in the face of science
i will gladly stay an afterthought
just bring back some nice reminders
and i would tell them anything to see you split the evening
but as you see i do not have an awful lot to tell
everybody's sick for something that they can find fascinating
everyone but you and even you aren't feeling well

but you are, my love, the astronaut
flying in the face of science
i will gladly stay an afterthought
just bring back some nice reminders

yes you are, my love, the astronaut
crashing in the name of science
just my luck they sent your upper half
it's a very nice reminder
it's a very nice reminder

and you may be acquainted with the night
but I have seen the darkness in the day
and you must know it is a terrifying sight
because you and i are living the same way

"Hope, Faith, and Love were thought the most appropriate symbols for the man [Charles V, Holy Roman Emperor] who had invented the edicts [condemning Protestantism], introduced the inquisition, and whose last words, inscribed by a hand already trembling with death, had adjured his son, by his love, allegiance, and hope of salvation, to deal to all heretics, the extreme rigor of the law, 'without respect of persons and without regard to any plea in their favor.'"

-John Lothrop Motley, The Rise of the Dutch Republic, Vol. 1

Politics Scmolitics

Usually... usually, I have no interest for politics (unless they happened a few centuries ago), but... Sean Tevis... you had me at forum troll.  Seriously, using a webcomic to generate donations?

http://seantevis.com/kansas/3000/running-for-office-xkcd-style/ 

If I lived in Kansas, I'd gladly donate Mr. Tevis $8.34.  Since I'm not, I'll just appease myself with reading his blog.  I think I'll survive. 

While I'm on the topic of politicians on the internet, I'll just take a moment to mention who's not, republican presidential hopeful, John McCain.  In his New York Time's interview, McCain was quoted:

"They [his wife and various aides] go on for me. [...] I am learning to get online myself, and I will have that down fairly soon, getting on myself. I don't expect to be a great communicator, I don't expect to set up my own blog, but I am becoming computer literate to the point where I can get the information that I need."

Unbelievable.

Google makes everything easy...

...even blogging.