Saturday, November 27, 2010

The elusive memories of my childhood…

Isn’t it weird how some memories are so incredibly vivid in your head that you would never in the world forget them, and other things get completely forgotten?  I don’t understand how or the mind works like that, but I do know that there is probably a lifetime’s worth of things that I’ve forgotten and will never remember again.  But then sometimes when you are talking to people, their memories of how things were jog your memories and you end up thinking of things that you’d thought you’d forgotten.  I don’t know how that fits into the whole scheme of things.  Does it mean that the things that we forget aren’t really lost forever?  They are just filed away somewhere that needs a password to open.

There is one specific memory I have of my childhood.  It’s vivid.  I don’t understand why I remember this specific event.  It doesn’t seem like it would have been important in the grand scheme of my life, but I remember it as vividly as any of my memories. 

We ran over a baby cow.  Believe me, it’s not nearly as gruesome as it sounds.  I think I was maybe a first or second grader, and we were out checking the cows.  (Remember, I grew up on a working farm.  I did things like that when I was a kid.)  Checking the cows consisted of taking the truck out to make sure all of the cows were okay.  It was springtime, so we had to make sure all the babies lived, and we had to check on the pregnant cows to make sure that everything was fine. 

The truck was an old brown Dodge; I’m not sure where we got it, but I do know that it was old and brown.  It had a camper shell on it, and I liked to ride back in the bed.  I couldn’t talk to my parents because the camper shell made the bed into it’s own private chamber.  It was kind of like a moving fort.  I loved it.  Well, this one particular day, I rode in the back, and I was peering out the back of the camper as we drove along in the pasture looking for cows, when a baby cow appeared under the truck all curled up in a little ball.  It never moved as we passed over it.  Those mother cow tells the calf where to stay until she comes back for them, and they don’t move until she comes back.  Animals are pretty smart.  But anyway, since I was in the back of the truck, I couldn’t tell my parents what had happened.

When we got back home, I overheard my parents talking about how they wondered where that mama cow had her baby hidden, because she’d been pregnant the last time they’d been out checking the cows, and she wasn’t this time.  I yelled, “I SAW THE CALF! WE DROVE OVER IT!”  They didn’t believe me.  But I kept insisting that we’d driven over it, so dad took me back up to the pasture, and I showed him where I saw the calf.  Believe it or not, the calf was still curled up in the same place I saw it the first time.  The tire tracks ran on both sides of it.  Dad believed me then.

I still don’t understand why I remember that particular event.  It must have been important in its way.  I still think about that calf sometimes.  I guess it was kind of a miracle that we didn’t actually hit it with the truck.  If dad had driven a foot one way or the other, the cow would have been a pancake. 

I wonder how many baby calves turn into pancakes because they just do what their parents tell them?

Friday, November 26, 2010

WTF

Getting up at 8:30 a.m., then going to bed at 9:30 p.m., only to get up two hours later at 11:30 p.m. to go shopping until 2 p.m. the next day, then sleeping for two hours until 4:30 p.m. to get up to go to a Christmas Parade then staying up again until 11:30 p.m. really fucks with your brain. 

I’m sure I’m going to be able to sleep this evening, but I’m not feeling like I’m needing to sleep at all even though I’ve only had a total of 4 hours of sleep in the last day and a half.  Go figure.

I wish they wouldn’t have started Black Friday at 12:01 a.m., because it really fucked with my life.  I feel like I’m living in a surrealist world wherein I get to buy loads of cool stuff for cheap but the not sleeping is torture. 

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Frustrating…

For some stupid reason, my fucking computer is acting retarded.  Yes, I realize that computers cannot reproduce, nor act in any way, but it’s hella frustrating to want to do a simple task and not be able to because the computer and internet won’t cooperate. 

I have come to grips with the fact that because I live in the middle of freaking nowhere I have to deal with satellite internet that is unreliable and slow.  But I’ve not come to grips with the fact that it’s so slow that my documents on Google docs won’t even load right so that I can edit them. 

I mean, all I really wanted to do today was work on a short story about a tightrope walker from back in the day.  I was planning on killing her off today.  Gory and bloody are only two words to describe what I had had planned for her demise.  But since I spent the last 20 minutes trying to make the fucking internet work, not only am I too frustrated to even begin writing anything fun like that, but also I am still unable to open that stupid fucking document.

I take it back.  I just checked it and in the time it took me to write this it finally decided to load the fucking page.  Now I don’t even want to kill my fucking character.  It’s really quite annoying. 

I want for it to be summer again.

I want to go back in time.

I want to live somewhere that the fucking internet works like it should.

And I want to find everything I ever wanted from life at the grocery store so that I could just buy it and be happy instead of sitting here angry and frustrated and annoyed. 

I’m actually not all that frustrated anymore.  But I still wanted to get all of that out there. 

I’m not going to write about my tightrope walker though.  She’ll still be there tomorrow.  I bet what I write then will be especially gory and bloody.  She deserves to go down interestingly.

Now, I shall go to nap before shopping this evening.  We’re pulling a freaking all-nighter.  It’s going to be awesome.

Thanks for listening. 

Love and Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I had an idea once…

The funny thing about ideas is that once you have one they tend to multiply… in a manner similar to bunnies.  I had this idea a few days ago, that if I gave myself a vague list to follow every day, I would be able to be productive.  The idea being that if I became productive again, I would stop being quite so depressed and maybe do something with my life. 

My daily list is a follows:

image

As you can see, they are vague enough tasks that I can easily complete them, but I’ve found that simply the act of doing something leads to other things.  For example, since I’ve been writing every day, I have had all kinds of crazy ideas for things to write, and it’s enjoyable, and I don’t just zone out in front of the television all evening and hate myself. 

Getting up early hasn’t really led to anything new.  It’s more of wishful thinking.  Also, it’s not really all that early.  I count that one a win if I get up 5 minutes before I usually do at 6:45.  I figure that eventually I can extend it and maybe make a morning person out of me.  Like I said, wishful thinking.  Ha. 

Anyway, so far I’m doing pretty good.  I’ve made myself a line graph on my calendar.  I get to make a line for every task I complete.  I’ve almost made it a week. 

image

I fell off my balance board today and onto my ass in the middle of the basement today.  Excitement, I tell you.  What could be better?

P.S. Tomorrow’s Thanksgiving.  Eat a turkey. 

Monday, November 22, 2010

Saturday, November 20, 2010

The list grows longer every day.

I didn’t take a camera with me to #DDstl…

…and I’m glad I didn’t because these are better than mine, and I didn’t have to worry with taking any pictures or video.  I am still waiting for footage of the Jeep Song to surface.  I was certain it would…

dresden-dolls-4563

via ishootshows.com.

 

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Tomorrow, I go back to reality.

Before I go, things need to be said, or they will never get said.  If they never are said, they will be forgotten, and that would be a shame.  A friend and I took ourselves to St. Louis for the Dresden Dolls concert on Tuesday at the Pageant Theatre.  I have been a fan of the Dresden Dolls from the moment I heard them.  Their music struck a chord with me, and it has never grown old in all the years that I followed their careers.  They saw me through the thick and the thin, and theirs wasn’t the kind of music you run from after your girlfriend breaks up with you or your dog dies because there are too many bad associations.  It’s real.  I was passionate once.  I drove 10 hours to see Amanda play in Minneapolis last June because it was the first time she’d been so close. 

Sometime between then and now, I lost my passion.  For anything.  For everything.  I didn’t really care that I was even going to see the Dolls play.  I wasn’t excited.  It felt wrong, but I could do nothing about it.  Apathy doesn’t lend itself to passion, and I felt empty.

This next part is tricky to write about.

The concert was magic.  The Dresden Dolls are magic.  From the moment they stepped out onto the stage, I could feel myself wake up, and emerge from the daze that I’d been living it.  Their music had always been therapeutic for me, but this was more than that.  Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I could see how much they love their music, how much passion goes into it to produce their craft, maybe it was because of the experience of the music with all of my senses, but whatever it was, I felt whole again.  I needed that. 

After the first few songs, we moved from the balcony where we had been sitting to a place in the back of the hall where I had a better view.  We stood there for well over an hour and watched Amanda and Brian make magic.  I soaked it all in.  Anyone who has ever seen them play live, I’m sure will tell you the same thing.  The way they play off one another, engage the crowd, and get into the music is awe-inspiring.  It’s amazing. 

I could have stood their all night.

Eventually, after the dreaded encore procedure, the show ended.  Amanda and Brian left the stage to do the things they do after the show, and we left to find some place to crash for the night, but the night never really ended.  I feel whole again.  I took back my passion,and now hold it dear, because I’m a zombie without it.

If you’ve never seen the Dresden Dolls perform live.  Do it.  I promise you, it will be like nothing you’ve ever seen before.  I wish I could thank them in person, but this will have to do. 

Thank you, Amanda and Brian.  You are something amazing.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

This is what I failed to mention the last time.

Did I mention this?

Sent from my iPod, Astronaut.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

No words necessary