The Truth about Twilight

My aunt gave me Twilight (the novel) for my birthday back in December.  She said that she was sure I’d really like it.  I didn’t really believe her.  Then one of my friends read it and said it was hilarious.  She told me I should read it so we could talk about it, because it was too good to not talk about.  I read it over the next weekend (that was last week), and it cracked me up.  I had not realized it was targeted to teenagers since everyone who had recommended it to me was at least thirty, so that came as a big surprise to me. 

Anyway, I did enjoy the book.  I enjoyed it for what it is: an entertaining teen romance novel.  Stephenie Meyer is clever and witty, and it was an animated, quick read. 

As my friend and I talked about it at work last week, we decided that we needed to see the movie while it was still in theaters.  Last night, found us sitting in a darkened movie theater eating smuggled candy and watching the worst movie I’ve seen in many many many years.  (Don’t get me wrong, I was expecting the movie to be bad.  I was sure it would be corny and hilarious, but even I couldn’t have predicted how terrible it turned out to be.)

I’m not even sure how to begin, how to describe the myriad of ways the movie sucked.  First of all, the acting was horrible, or rather the over-acting.  It was as if the casting director went to the local high school drama society and offered them all a part in the movie.  Sure, it was supposed to be a movie targeted at teenage girls, but I’d hope even a teenage girl would notice the terrible acting in this movie.  J.R. Jones of the Chicago Reader summed it up succinctly in his review:

This adaptation of the best-selling novel by Stephenie Meyer never rises above the level of a teen soaper on the CW.

Second, the special effects are terrible, and they don’t look real at all.  I prefer it when the special effects accurately depict unreal feats in a believable way.  The movie adaptation of Twilight left too much to be desired in this category.

Last (I could go on, but in this case I’ll forego anymore grumbling for the sake of a shorter entry.), the vampires… oh, the vampires.  Can you say cheesy?  Overdone? not true to the original source?  All that and more characterize the vampires of Twilight.  At times, I felt as if I’d traveled back to the silent movie era.  Over-the-top does not even begin to describe the showdown between the vegetarian vampires and the carnivorous vampires on the baseball field.  Lots of hissing and long-angsty looks ensued. 

Don’t pay any attention to movie reviews promoting Twilight:

A darn good hunk of pop moviemaking. –Ty Burr; Boston Globe

Twilight, the first movie adapted from Stephenie Meyer’s series of best-selling teen novels, is going to be a big hit with young girls, and deservedly so -- the picture delivers. –David Denby; The New Yorker

Twilight works as both love story and vampire story, thanks mainly to the performances of its principals. –Michael O’Sullivan; Washington Post

I honestly have no idea what those critics are talking about.  They must not have seen the same movie I did.

This is my favorite review.  Christine Champ understands.  I just hope she didn’t go see the movie.  She would have been as disappointed as I was:

Summit and Twilight: Was a Bigger Budget Needed?