An Open Letter to Vermin…

Dear Mouse,

I don’t know why you decided to take up residence in my bedroom. There isn’t anything worth eating in here, and above all else, I have a cat. I thought mice were afraid of cats. That is, until I saw you fall onto his head and he did nothing. I, like my cat, did nothing. I assumed that just because he didn’t take care of the problem then, it didn’t mean he wouldn’t take care of the problem later (and by take care of the problem, I mean, eat you). I should never assume. Everyone in the world knows what assuming does.

Now my friend, dear Mouse, I didn’t have any problems sharing my space with you. You and I could have been great friends. Unfortunately, your actions have changed that. I found your droppings in my bed today. YOU CRAPPED IN MY BED. What the hell were you thinking? No one wants a roommate who uses their bed for a toilet. You could have done the toilet under my bed, or under the shelves or I don’t know… ANY WHERE BUT IN MY BED… and I would have been fine with that.

I am giving you fair warning, dearest little Mouse, tomorrow there will be traps. Tomorrow, I am declaring war. Tomorrow, may be your last day. You survived my cat, but you won’t survive me. I apologize, but you shouldn’t have crossed me. I only have one question for you. Which do you prefer: peanut butter or cheese?

Your sincerest roommate,

Kate