A case of insomnia on repeat...

At least once a week, I find myself in bed ready to peacefully drift away to that magical land of slumber only to find myself wide awake.  Generally, I toss and turn and hope desperately that my mind will shut off so maybe, just maybe, I will be able to finally fall asleep.  Because that is the basis for my insomnia, my brain tends to go into overdrive, or perhaps because I cannot sleep, my mind becomes restless.  Whatever the reason, it always tends to be highly annoying, and it's almost exclusively on nights I have to work the next day.  I still haven't got a hang of keeping respectable hours.  I faithfully go to bed early every night; however, it seems on some nights, my body betrays me.  

Most nights I can't sleep I end up caving, and take a light sleeping pill.  I hate doing that.  I do my best work at night, but being I'm hampered by my day job, I try to sleep as much as possible.  For once, I don't have to get up in the morning.  Of course I did have big plans of getting up early and getting some projects finished tomorrow.  I foresee those plans being scrapped in favor of sleeping in.  I do enjoy sleeping in.  In all honestly, those plans would have most likely been scrapped for sleeping in anyway, but this not being able to sleep at least gives me some kind of good excuse.  

On those nights that I am able to sleep, I tend to have nightmares.  I'm not sure which is worse, nightmares or insomnia.  I suppose the nightmares, but both are physically and emotionally trying.  The nightmares are of the worst kind.  Are you familiar with the dreams in which you are falling, and then suddenly right as you would hit the ground and be smashed into smithereens you wake up in a cold sweat and wanting to scream?  I'm sure you are.  I'm almost positive everyone has had a dream of a similar nature. I tend to have many of this variety; however, in place of falling, they usually involve some sort of car either smashing me into smithereens, or me in a car smashing someone else into smithereens.  I don't have to be any kind of dream reader to find the meaning in these dreams, only I am surprised it's taken me this long to start having them as repeatedly as I do.  Although, it may have something to do with the fact that it's officially been 4 years and just about 4 hours since I had that particular accident.  If you're not familiar with to what I'm referring, I'm sure you can imagine.  Use that head for something other than hitting the wall...

Anyway, I do believe that I digress...  The problem with my current state is that my insomniac mind tends to go in tangents, and I quickly forget what I was thinking about just moments before.  I believe that could be part of why I have the problem with the falling asleep.  I cannot still my mind for any reason.  At one moment, I'm thinking about how I'm not getting what I want in all aspects of my life, and the next I'm thinking about the blog entry that I want to write but never will because I don't do that anymore.  Don't do what?  Write much at all.  Especially not blog entries.  Why don't I write blog entries?  Don't have time.  Why don't I have time?  Because I'm lame and I watch the telly all evening because I can't bring myself to be productive.  I'd rather do nothing than have to deal with the idea of trying to figure out what I want to do, even in the next instant.  I just can't be bothered... Do you see how this kind of mindset is deterrent to sleep?  Eventually, the line of reasoning gets to the part where I decide I'm totally and utterly depressed.  The problem with being depressed, however, is that it's easy to be depressed, but definitely hard to stop being it.  

This is a problem.  Are we beginning to understand?  I don't know how I can make myself more clear.  I'm not even sure what I'm trying to communicate.  I suppose I'm hoping that by putting all of this out there, maybe the world will turn off this repetition.  I've tried.  I'm trying. I want it too stop.  I'm asking nicely here.  With that, I believe I'm going to bring this entry to a close.  I hope you do not at all expect me to write any more entries in the near future.  I'm much too apathetic to make any promises, but I will say that I would like to write more, and I will try, but I'm not giving any guarantees.  

Now I'm off to dreamland... hopefully.